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| That explains it. |
The reasons for this are to avoid certain situations, the most obvious of these I shall link to here. Other reasons include:
1. The fact that people feel the need to discuss drug dealing on buses. While pushing a pram. While a police officer is talking to the bus driver.
2. Talking about that guy you did stuff to last night. I'll try and type what she said. "Aiiiiiieee, ah put his cock in mah moooth but deed heee thank meh? Ah dae hink soo."
3. Swearing. Usually just a minor breach. Not when there is a child in front of you. Or on your lap. (See video again)
4. Talking about that girl who did stuff to you last night. I'll try and type what he said. "Ayyye, she shuckked mah bawws last night. Was abslute qwalitee mahn"
5. Talking about "young people these days." Yes, I know that most of us aren't exactly shining examples of humanity, but we aren't all trackie wearing, buckie drinking teenagers that wouldn't know the meaning of abstinence if it was tattooed on their boyfriends stomach/girlfriends tits (Delete as appropriate)
6. Arguments in general. If you start an argument on a bus, you lose that argument. Case closed.
7. If you talk like I typed earlier, you should be supplied with a gag as you get on the bus. More extreme offenders should be attacked with staples.
Rule 2:
If a window is open beside someone, ASK BEFORE YOU SHUT IT. The last thing I need on an hour journey with a fine range of Scotland's public is to be trapped with the smell of the combined genital sweat of 5 years of busy bus schedules. If a window is shut beside someone, ASK BEFORE YOU OPEN IT. The last thing we need in December is some idiot in a t-shirt complaining of the heat. You want cold air Mr T-shirt, get off the bus and walk.
Rule 3:
If you have a small child with you and it is perfectly happy sleeping, DO NOT WAKE IT UP. 9 out of 10 times, the baby will screech with a fury that is usually reserved for those going to hell for mass murder. If the baby is screeching before it gets on the bus, invest in a dummy.
Rule 4:
Children between the age of 2 and 5 are banned. This age group will cry, wail, sing, shout, screech, scream, run up and down the bus, bang on the windows, trip over bags and generally make a nuisance of themselves. And this is only 5 minutes into the trip.
Rule 5:
If a bus journey will take longer than 4 hours, noise is to be kept to a minimum. Some people might want to go to sleep. Or you could just get drunk and sing sectarian songs all the way from Glasgow to London. That's your choice.
Rule 6:
Avoid racism.
Rule 7:
You should remember that we are all suffering the same indecency as each other. Buses have never been enjoyable. Ever. Buses will never be enjoyable as any bus that becomes "fun" becomes a coach. (And even some coaches have been known to suck the life out of people that get on them)
Rule 8:
Buy a car. Get a driving license. Learn to drive. (Not necessarily in that order)
Hopefully, this guide will help you all obtain happy(ish) travelling on any of Scotland's fine examples of public transport. That's if they actually arrive on time. Please note that all examples I have used (except the video) I have witnessed first hand. Yes, Fife really is that bad. I also apologise for the voice you had to use in your head to read my examples and the fact I had to type that out. I'm going to go Grammar Nazi on Facebook to make up for it.
Peace out bubs.
Andrew out.
