Public Transport: An Andrew Guide.

Right all, as I spend on average 3.5 hours a day on public transport (and no-one interesting comes to my work anymore) I've decided to publish a guide (along with my observations) about how to get the most out of Public Transport (which isn't much) Also, I mention the best things I've seen in the last 5 months of travel. Or worst. I guess you should decide.

That explains it.

Rule 1 of Public Transport is that no-one talks about public transport. Or talk while on Public Transport. (It's one of those, I get mixed up.)

The reasons for this are to avoid certain situations, the most obvious of these I shall link to here. Other reasons include:
1. The fact that people feel the need to discuss drug dealing on buses. While pushing a pram. While a police officer is talking to the bus driver.
2. Talking about that guy you did stuff to last night. I'll try and type what she said. "Aiiiiiieee, ah put his cock in mah moooth but deed heee thank meh? Ah dae hink soo."
3. Swearing. Usually just a minor breach. Not when there is a child in front of you. Or on your lap. (See video again)
4. Talking about that girl who did stuff to you last night. I'll try and type what he said. "Ayyye, she shuckked mah bawws last night. Was abslute qwalitee mahn"
5. Talking about "young people these days." Yes, I know that most of us aren't exactly shining examples of humanity, but we aren't all trackie wearing, buckie drinking teenagers that wouldn't know the meaning of abstinence if it was tattooed on their boyfriends stomach/girlfriends tits (Delete as appropriate)
6. Arguments in general. If you start an argument on a bus, you lose that argument. Case closed.
7. If you talk like I typed earlier, you should be supplied with a gag as you get on the bus. More extreme offenders should be attacked with staples.

Rule 2:
If a window is open beside someone, ASK BEFORE YOU SHUT IT. The last thing I need on an hour journey with a fine range of Scotland's public is to be trapped with the smell of the combined genital sweat of 5 years of busy bus schedules. If a window is shut beside someone, ASK BEFORE YOU OPEN IT. The last thing we need in December is some idiot in a t-shirt complaining of the heat. You want cold air Mr T-shirt, get off the bus and walk.

Rule 3:
If you have a small child with you and it is perfectly happy sleeping, DO NOT WAKE IT UP. 9 out of 10 times, the baby will screech with a fury that is usually reserved for those going to hell for mass murder. If the baby is screeching before it gets on the bus, invest in a dummy.

Rule 4:
Children between the age of 2 and 5 are banned. This age group will cry, wail, sing, shout, screech, scream, run up and down the bus, bang on the windows, trip over bags and generally make a nuisance of themselves. And this is only 5 minutes into the trip.

Rule 5:
If a bus journey will take longer than 4 hours, noise is to be kept to a minimum. Some people might want to go to sleep. Or you could just get drunk and sing sectarian songs all the way from Glasgow to London. That's your choice.

Rule 6:
Avoid racism. 


Rule 7:
You should remember that we are all suffering the same indecency as each other. Buses have never been enjoyable. Ever. Buses will never be enjoyable as any bus that becomes "fun" becomes a coach. (And even some coaches have been known to suck the life out of people that get on them)

Rule 8:
Buy a car. Get a driving license. Learn to drive. (Not necessarily in that order)

Hopefully, this guide will help you all obtain happy(ish) travelling on any of Scotland's fine examples of public transport. That's if they actually arrive on time. Please note that all examples I have used (except the video) I have witnessed first hand. Yes, Fife really is that bad. I also apologise for the voice you had to use in your head to read my examples and the fact I had to type that out. I'm going to go Grammar Nazi on Facebook to make up for it.

Peace out bubs.
Andrew out.

Andrew Talks #2 : Welcome to the world of tomorrow!

Right then, while I was working away earlier today, Zoe decided to tell me about something she was doing for Philosophy.

What if civilisation ended tomorrow?
(Well, she said something much more complicated and with lots of unnecessary words so I simplified it.)

(This is how I would imagine this world to be. Feel free to do your own posts/comments about it and send me a link to it. I want to know what you all think of this.)

Part one (For those with no imagination)

Right, all governments have fallen, religion is dead and there are no rules. Imagine a world after an atomic war or a meteor impact and you're about the right image.

Like this, but with no snazzy jumpsuit. Or gun. 

Society has crumbled around you and, lo and behold, you are alive. Against the odds, you have survived the end of civilisation.

The question is, now what?

Part 2: Here's what.

As the world has no rules you can do whatever you want. For most, this amount of choice will drive most people insane. We have been brought up for centuries on law and order. On the fact that we cannot do certain things because we will be punished. There is no punishment now. Remember that bully from high school? You could beat his brains in with a stick in this world and no one would bat an eyelash.

Weapon of choice.

For people who have always suppressed their desires due to societies views, ultimately, there will be a lot of people with caved in heads.

Other people may try and hold on to their ideas of civilisation. Some people will try to form new countries, new nations but most will fail. Some will succeed but they won't be anything like democratic. People will flock around charismatic/powerful or strong leaders who can offer protection to their people. More than likely, there will be many people who have ambitions of forming "The Kingdom of Geoff" (or similar) and will jump at the opportunity to have people following them and their ideals. Religion may reboot at this point, with the head of a tribe being divine and/or "chosen by the gods" to reinforce the idea that they are in charge. 
The problem with this is the fact that people are mortal. The leaders of these tribes and gangs will die, leaving a power vacuum. The tribe will either drift apart or will kill each other to become the new king.

Currency will become meaningless so a return to a barter system is inevitable. Some things will retain their value (Gold, jewellery, etc.) Some things will become much more valuable (Technology, weapons, food.) And some things will become fairly worthless. (Xbox, PS3, iPods) Another thought is of the role of a woman in this society. Would the woman become just a thing for making more children? Or would the women be dominant? That's not a question I'm willing to answer. Too much arguing between you all.

Slavery will likely start again. Those unfortunate enough to have no tribe (or have a tribe that is conquered by another) will become a lower class forced by lash, whip or gun to do the bidding of their masters.

Here's the main reason I think civilisation collapsing would mean the end of humanity.

Guns > Democracy. 

Let's say civilisation collapses and I meet you and some others in the crumbling ruin of a city. I have a gun and I tell you that you are now my property. Of course, some will fight back, but, as I have a gun, they will be killed. There is always a choice and in this case, the choice is clear. Be a slave. Or die.

In the end, I think there are three options as to what could happen:

1) The human race adapts as we have done since we learned to walk on two feet. We create a new world which has learned from the mistakes of the past. (Not likely)
2) The human race makes the same mistakes we have before, as we always do. The world created is a mockery of the world we live in now and most likely will not be a nice place to live.
3) The flickering flame of the human race is extinguished entirely. Disease and hunger kill many but ultimately we destroy ourselves in an orgy of violence, destruction and war.

I look forward to hearing your ideas on the subject and on welcoming you to the "Kingdom of Andrew."

Peace out bubs.
Andrew out.

Andrew Talks #1 : "The Rapture"

Right then, I am here to discuss one of the failed things recently...

I am of course, talking about "The Rapture."

No. That's a Velociraptor. Idiots. 

Obviously, some people in America truly believed that Jesus was coming. That everyone left on the Earth was in for a lot of suffering and torment. Well, umm, awkward much?

We're all still here. Well, I am, which is what matters. I even gave it another couple of days, just in case they missed it by a few days. Purely because I know that all end of the world situations will involve zombies. Well, they have to. Or else.

Americans were going crazy on the night of the supposed "Rapture" spending children's college funds, selling houses and generally being as hypocritical as most religious nut-jobs I know. Do the Gospels tell us that it's impossible for a rich man to get into heaven? I think you'll find the answer is yes. And selling all your stuff and buying all your worldly goods, WHICH CAN'T GO WITH YOU, makes perfect sense.

So then, God obviously doesn't want us yet. Or maybe he's decided to be merciful and postpone our execution.

Or maybe we should stop worrying about what might kill us and what WILL kill us.


Climate change (which many Americans deny responsibility for), Meteoric Impact, Melting of Polar Ice caps causing mass flooding, Alien Invasion, Terrorists getting a "dirty bomb", Nuclear warfare,  Biological warfare, Regular warfare (world war 3), Zombie apocalypse, Flipping of the Magnetic field of the Earth, Destruction of the ozone layer, Sun going supernova, Sun imploding, Sun exploding, Rogue Black hole, The exapansion of the Universe stops, Second Big Bang, Evolution of other animals, Evolution of disease, Drought, Monsoons, Tsunami, Earthquake, Hurricane, Tornado, Nuclear Meltdown, Robot apocalypse, We're all actually in "The Matrix" or Horrifically mutated hamster/ostrich hybrids eating all the cheese in the world.


All of these I will worry about more than the rapture. Well, most of them. Well, some of them. It's about time we, as the human race, took responsibility for cocking up our planet and stopped looking for any reason to stop worrying about it. "oh, the world will end in 2012 anyway..." They've said things like that before. And look where we are now.

Peace out bubs.
Andrew out.