Sarcasm. Andrew style.

Well, first of all, thank you to any and all who wished me a happy birthday. I really appreciate the attention for that one day of the year. Anyway, now onto serious business, this is...


A guide to sarcasm. Andrew style.


Well, lately, whenever I am back in Kirkcaldy, I cannot help but overhear young people saying "You're so sarcastic ________" I am here as your knight in shining armour to guide you in the do's and don't's of sarcasm. But first...


What is sarcasm?


According to some very clever people who write the Oxford dictionary, Sarcasm is "the use of irony to mock or convey contempt." So then, explain how "You're a douchebag" is sarcastic. It isn't. [send to small person on the number 13 bus of Kirkcaldy.]
According to Wikipedia, sarcasm is "a sharp, bitter, or cutting expression or remark; a bitter jibe or taunt" However, they say that some believe it needs irony and others believe it doesn't. I don't believe being sarcastic needs irony but it can help. For example, if someone asked me if I was hurt after I fell down two flights of stairs, me saying "Well naw!" does not contain irony, but it is sarcastic. It's not very imaginative though. So, same example, I fall down two flights of stairs and someone asks if I'm hurt. I could say, "No, I enjoy feeling like my kidneys have burst." That is much better sarcasm because it seems like more effort has gone into it's creation and because it contains a hint of irony. Of course I don't enjoy feeling like my kidneys have burst, therefore this is sarcasm.


If you are going to try sarcasm...


The main rule of being good at sarcasm is for it to come naturally. Sorry any of you who wanted to learn how to be sarcastic. You either got it or you don't. However, I will put some stock sarcasm at the end of the page to help you out. (That was sarcasm...)
Yeah, anyway, if you have a small skill at sarcasm, then well done! Welcome to the club. I'm sure you'll have a lovely time here. (Sarcasm again...)
Some people are more sarcastic than others. Take my good self for example. I have been described as being "highly sarcastic with a dry sense of humour" So I would put myself at a class 2 on the classic and time honoured scale of sarcasm. Here is that scale...

The time honoured scale of sarcasm

Thought of in 2010 by Andrew McArdle. Copyrighted. (c)

Class 5- No sarcasm at all. You could get more sarcasm from a dead mole.
Class 4- Minor sarcasm. Expect plenty of "Well naw" and eye rolling.
Class 3- Major sarcasm. Can put together basic sarcastic sentences. Not very good at targeting at particular people/topics.
Class 2- Extreme sarcasm. Puts sarcastic sentences together naturally and can unleash them upon an unsuspecting victim at any time. Highly dangerous. Avoid if possible.
Class 1- Over-the-top sarcasm. This is where sarcasm degenerates into nasty insults and shouting. Some sarcasm but can be easily annoyed if you manage to retaliate with a sarcastic comment. Lethal if provoked. Avoid at all costs.


(Just in case you were wondering, that was not sarcasm. That was all honest and hard earned truth...)




The Do's of sarcasm...


Be funny. There's no point in sarcasm if you use a language no one understands, or pitching it too intelligent or crude for nearby people.
Be appropriate. Obviously, there are times when sarcasm is not appropriate. At all. Examples include police interrogation rooms, funerals and whenever "Strictly Come Dancing" is on. 
Believe in your sarcasm. If you don't feel like you're being sarcastic, then you aren't. Get in the zone. And do whatever it is you do there...


The Don't's of sarcasm...

Don't insult. You aren't here just to insult people. You are here to lightly mock someone. Just to tell them to back off insulting you or you can get sarcastic on their behinds.

Don't pick on one person. (Unless they really deserve it.) Being picked on by constant sarcasm has driven certain people to suicide. I can't name names until the stupid court decides that I'm not guilty of manslaughter unfortunately. Anyway, don't pick on people. 

Don't tangle with someone you know is more sarcastic than you. It gets messy. Real messy.

Anyway, if you follow the rules and you actually have talent, you'll be sarcastic in no time...

Peace out bubs.

Andrew out.

The last day of 17ness...

It's the 5th people. It's the 5th of November. Tomorrow, I turn 18 and shall assume my rightful position as ruler of the world. (It's a very secret job)

Anyway, I don't think being 18 will change all that much about my life. I can already drive. I already drink. I already (don't) smoke. So, what interesting things happen when you turn 18? I can go to clubs? I don't do dance music... I can go to pubs? I already get served at the Union. So, what changes? If I'm honest, nothing. Nothing will change. I will still be a loser. The only difference is I can buy alcohol. But essentially, I'll still be the same pathetic loser you all come to read about. So, don't you go worrying about me. I'll be fine.

Anyway, I feel a rant coming along. I want to rant about some of the stuff I have seen happening at the Uni...

1. In lectures, please do not spend the whole time chatting about "some burd yay did las' nicht." Especially when I'm in the row in front of you. Thank you.
2. On buses. Please do not roll your joint in plain sight of me. It's especially stupid when you are sitting in plain sight of a security camera as well you complete tool.
3. When you're going up the main stairs. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT stop in the middle of the stairs to chat/gawk at teh boobies/wank/have a small party. Seriously, I have a lecture hall to get to. And I don't need an excuse to be late. Cause I'll take it. Every single time.
4. Please do not get drunk. Ok, I'll rephrase that. Please do not get drunk and spend half the night shouting outside my window. Seriously, GTFO. Cause my body clock is shot as it is.
5. In lectures, please do not kick my chair. Cause every time you do, I feel like turning round, leaping over the tables and kicking your ar** right out of the lecture theatre. Or failing that, killing you. That's how strongly I feel about that.
6. In lectures, I have a register for my Chemistry lectures. This effectively forces me to go to lectures. I feel that if someone doesn't want to go to the lectures, then fine. They can fail the course. That's their problem. Don't scare us into going to lectures. We should go because we want good grades. And occasionally miss a lecture for a hangover.

Anyway, I have a test in about 8 hours. So I should probably be sleeping/revising/masturbating.

Peace out bubs.
Andrew out.

And so it begins...

Happy November everyone! This is my favourite month of the year. This is not only because it's my birthday on the 6th... There are other reasons...

Thanksgiving. That traditional holiday where we all gather as families and eat turkey and Pecan pie. And cranberry sauce. Lots of cranberry sauce. What? It's an American holiday? Oh well...

I like fireworks, therefore, I like Bonfire night. Though nowadays, if someone tried to blow up parliament, we wouldn't be celebrating every year. So, on the 5th of November, I hope you all remember that you are celebrating not only a terrorist. But a failure of a terrorist. Think about that next time you light a firework.

My birthday. The 6th of November. This I like for obvious reasons. I like the fact that I get presents. This is made all the sweeter because of the timing of the rest of my families birthdays. They all have midsummer birthdays. While I am late autumn. This means that I get Birthday and Christmas in one lump. They get presents spread out throughout the year, making the summer holidays even better for them. Not that I'm bitter or anything... *shifty eyes*

This year, my birthday has an even greater meaning. I am of course talking about the elections in America. (God bless America people...) Anyway, as I'll be 18 on the day of election, I can vote. Yay! However, as I am not an American citizen, things get tricky... I'll need a stick on moustache, some mexican clothes and an English-Spanish dictionary to pull this one off guys.

November 14th. Remembrance day. The day when we remember those who gave their lives so that I might be able to live as a free man. I'll be wearing my poppy when the day comes even though I am going paint balling on that day. I hope you all will wear a poppy too.

November 30th. St Andrews day. It's "Scotland day!" I know that everyone pretty much feels that our patron saint should be Rabbie Burns but honest, it is St Andrew. So, I think we should do something Scottish on that day. I'll stick something up at some point about what I intend on doing for "Scotland day" but if you have any suggestions like colours that could be worn, badges or activities, feel free to let me know.

And finally, the fact that it is Autumn. I love autumn. Trees go nice browns and reds. Leaves are nice and crunchy on the ground and it's conker season. Summers too warm. Winters too cold. Springs too wet and boring. That leaves autumn. The greatest season of all. I'm sure you all won't agree.

Peace out bubs.
Andrew out.