A rant...

I apologise in advance to any "non-supporters" amongst my audience. However, even if you do not like/watch/enjoy football, this should give you ammo if you want to continue hating. Bear with me here.

My name is Andrew Steven McArdle. I am 18 years old and I am a Kilmarnock supporter. There, it is said. It cannot be unsaid. Now that I have given you that confession, onto ranting.

Being a Kilmarnock supporter, I have been brought up with a spirit of "perserverance" when it comes to football. I support a team which is not likely to win any cups. A team that is more likely to be in the bottom 6 than the top 6 and a team that was tipped for relegation this season. This gives me a perspective on things in the SPL. I see referees trying their best and getting hounded for "favouritism." I see fans baying for blood when a decision goes against them. I see fans fighting each other, chanting inappropriate songs, claiming heritage from a country other than their birth place and attempting to be "radical for their cause." Ok, I will admit, there aren't too many of them, outside of the Old Firm... Ok then, Celtic Football Club and your supporters. Why are you so annoyed at the fact that a referee made a mistake and then tried to cover it up? Yes, he should have admitted he made a mistake but that is no excuse to tar everyone with the same brush. You and your club seem to have single handedly driven our referees to striking. "Bah, who needs 'em" I hear you say... Umm, we do. So we can play football with the rules enforced. Face it, ref's are human and humans make mistakes. Deal with it. You say that you are unfairly picked on? YOU BLOODY WELL ARE NOT! You have money to buy players. You have the majority of decisions in matches. You have the majority of the support in Scotland. What do we smaller teams have? We live in fear of our club going bankrupt mid-season. We live in fear of getting beat in that vital game and being relegated. Not because of shame. But because of the financial implications that will bring. Now, what if in that one vital game, the decision went against you? You would protest. You would shout. You would scream yourself hoarse at the fact that you have been robbed unfairly from survival. Yes Celtic, you are chasing the title. The rest of us on the other hand are clinging onto survival. Just. Stop your whining about referees being unfair or biased. Of course they are. If they support Celtic, they'll be biased for Celtic and against Rangers. If they support Rangers they'll be biased for Rangers and against Celtic. If they support anyone else, they'll be biased for no-one. Apart from the team playing the bunch of whiners... Sending death threats to a referee is not a good move for you or your club. One, the police are getting very good at this forensics thing. So they can tell who sent it. Two, they will know who you support and how to hurt you. By handing it to the SFA, UEFA or even FIFA and saying "right, this is what that clubs is encouraging..." What do you think will happen if that happens? Probably very little. One day though, they might decide to make an example of a team. And what if they pick yours... Oh dear. Goodbye...

On another note, threaten referees to quit, and they will. They have other jobs. They do the refereeing because they want to. Not because they have to. So, you tell our most "experienced" ref's to quit, the places will be filled with less "experienced" ones. Until, eventually, we have none. No ref's = no football.

Money matters now in football people. The aim of the game is not to play football. It is to get money for the club. Whether by winning, playing 11 players behind the ball or hoping for a good cup run, all that matters is getting those little £'s into the club account. So, explain to me, in this time of economic crisis, that it is deemed necessary to pay £90,000 a WEEK to Wayne "Shrek-face" Rooney? For someone who there is every chance of not performing well every week. If I was paid that kind of money, I think I would have to be perfect every, single, second of the day. However, he doesn't score for a game, is that a wise investment? He doesn't score for two games? Struggling... What if, god forbid, he gets injured. That's £90,000 a week for a player who isn't doing his job... Umm, I think that maybe there's something wrong with that picture...
I don't see how someone is paid that much to "entertain" people. I don't see why he should get that much money a week when someone performing a vital service might be lucky to get that in 6 months. Ambulance Driver? Firefighter? Bomb disposal expert? Airport security? Referees?

Anyway, I apologise to my "non-football" fans out there. Here's a few pictures to compensate...

Sometimes, even I can see football sucks...

(This is my 90th post... So my next 9 posts I intend making special. Somehow. More on that next time...)

Peace out bubs. 

Andrew out.

Verbal Diarrhea

As some of you may have noticed, I have not posted for a while. So here is a "get-you-by" post until I can think of something EPic to write about...

So without further ado...

1. Paintball.
My parent's asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I asked for paintball. They delivered. Me and a select group were taken to go paintballing. All things considered, it went well. I didn't die, I shot people. All is good.

2. Special Thank You!
This is a special thank you to a Ms Jeni Southcott. Thank you for the poster and picture to put on my wall. It has actually begun the process of changing my room from "jail-cell" to "room." Thank you also to anyone who gave me a wrapped up present. All of the wrapping paper is now stuck to my wall. Along with half a sheet of bubble wrap for stress relief.

3. Illness.
One of the main reasons for my lack of postage is that I have been choked with the cold since Wednesday last week. I'm finally beginning to recover (and therefore regaining some ability to think) so I should be back to top form next week.

4. Heriot-Watt university.
Despite it's best efforts, I am remaining sane. Just. I'm still not feeling like this place is somewhere fantastic but I am coping fine. As long as my room remains mine and they don't shut down yet more of the Unions stuff, I'll manage.

5. Love's not a competition...
But I'm winning.

6. I've started on Tumblr... Not as a blog. More of a dump site for things which I don't think merit a place here. Visit AndrewsMindDump if you feel like it. At the moment, I'm trying a "post something every day" kind of thing. Well, most days. But eventually I'll begin posting other stuff like photos and stuff. I repeat, this is still my main blog.

7. I've run out of ideas...

8. Peace out bubs.
9. Andrew out.

No if's. No buts.

Right then, unless you've been living under a rock today, then you probably know about the student protest in London. And can you guess the only thing people are talking about? Millbank.

Right then. So, some students have decided that the best way of convincing the government to do what we want them to do is by throwing stuff around, burning shit and causing lots of damage to a government headquarters. Riiiiiiight... Personally, I can see why people are protesting, I am a student myself and the education cuts are atrocious, what I don't understand is this idea that some people have that breaking stuff will cause a government to think again. Temper tantrums stopped working when we were 5 years old guys. Sorry to burst your bubble.

Also, I have a sneaky suspicion that perhaps the ring leaders of "the angry mob" may not have even been students... Don't know why. I just have a hunch about it.
Either that or the ring leaders were students. And in this case, they obviously lack the intelligence to be in university or college. OF COURSE BREAKING STUFF WILL GET ALL THE ATTENTION IN THE NEWS! News shows only show the "interesting" stuff. And right now, that "interesting" stuff is the fact that a load of students through a hissy fit in central London and not the fact that over 50,000 students turned up. Now that the vast majority of news stories tonight will be talking about "the terrible damage caused" or "the senseless vandalism", students, as a whole, will become hated. We will lose a lot of support from non-students as they will see us as "louts, thugs and vandals."

 Yes, it's a protest, but there are better ways of getting your point across. Admittedly, telling Nick Clegg that he's a wanker doesn't seem to be working at the moment, but still! All you have managed to by making a mess is to take all of the good things about the protest, and blow them all up. Oh, and that's another thing you destroyed. Public opinion.

Anyway, I might not agree with the method of the violent protesters but I  agree with their message to the government. Most students will not be able to afford £9,000 a year. I wouldn't. Even if we only have to pay it back when we earn over a certain amount. I kinda do want to think about a house. And a car.You know, the things you Tories take for granted...
We might be a declining age group (the baby-boomers are hitting retirement) but we are essential for the growth and stability of this country. We need our degrees Mr Cameron and his lapdog Clegg. So we can get to where you are and screw over a new bunch of students.

Peace out bubs.
Andrew out.

Sarcasm. Andrew style.

Well, first of all, thank you to any and all who wished me a happy birthday. I really appreciate the attention for that one day of the year. Anyway, now onto serious business, this is...


A guide to sarcasm. Andrew style.


Well, lately, whenever I am back in Kirkcaldy, I cannot help but overhear young people saying "You're so sarcastic ________" I am here as your knight in shining armour to guide you in the do's and don't's of sarcasm. But first...


What is sarcasm?


According to some very clever people who write the Oxford dictionary, Sarcasm is "the use of irony to mock or convey contempt." So then, explain how "You're a douchebag" is sarcastic. It isn't. [send to small person on the number 13 bus of Kirkcaldy.]
According to Wikipedia, sarcasm is "a sharp, bitter, or cutting expression or remark; a bitter jibe or taunt" However, they say that some believe it needs irony and others believe it doesn't. I don't believe being sarcastic needs irony but it can help. For example, if someone asked me if I was hurt after I fell down two flights of stairs, me saying "Well naw!" does not contain irony, but it is sarcastic. It's not very imaginative though. So, same example, I fall down two flights of stairs and someone asks if I'm hurt. I could say, "No, I enjoy feeling like my kidneys have burst." That is much better sarcasm because it seems like more effort has gone into it's creation and because it contains a hint of irony. Of course I don't enjoy feeling like my kidneys have burst, therefore this is sarcasm.


If you are going to try sarcasm...


The main rule of being good at sarcasm is for it to come naturally. Sorry any of you who wanted to learn how to be sarcastic. You either got it or you don't. However, I will put some stock sarcasm at the end of the page to help you out. (That was sarcasm...)
Yeah, anyway, if you have a small skill at sarcasm, then well done! Welcome to the club. I'm sure you'll have a lovely time here. (Sarcasm again...)
Some people are more sarcastic than others. Take my good self for example. I have been described as being "highly sarcastic with a dry sense of humour" So I would put myself at a class 2 on the classic and time honoured scale of sarcasm. Here is that scale...

The time honoured scale of sarcasm

Thought of in 2010 by Andrew McArdle. Copyrighted. (c)

Class 5- No sarcasm at all. You could get more sarcasm from a dead mole.
Class 4- Minor sarcasm. Expect plenty of "Well naw" and eye rolling.
Class 3- Major sarcasm. Can put together basic sarcastic sentences. Not very good at targeting at particular people/topics.
Class 2- Extreme sarcasm. Puts sarcastic sentences together naturally and can unleash them upon an unsuspecting victim at any time. Highly dangerous. Avoid if possible.
Class 1- Over-the-top sarcasm. This is where sarcasm degenerates into nasty insults and shouting. Some sarcasm but can be easily annoyed if you manage to retaliate with a sarcastic comment. Lethal if provoked. Avoid at all costs.


(Just in case you were wondering, that was not sarcasm. That was all honest and hard earned truth...)




The Do's of sarcasm...


Be funny. There's no point in sarcasm if you use a language no one understands, or pitching it too intelligent or crude for nearby people.
Be appropriate. Obviously, there are times when sarcasm is not appropriate. At all. Examples include police interrogation rooms, funerals and whenever "Strictly Come Dancing" is on. 
Believe in your sarcasm. If you don't feel like you're being sarcastic, then you aren't. Get in the zone. And do whatever it is you do there...


The Don't's of sarcasm...

Don't insult. You aren't here just to insult people. You are here to lightly mock someone. Just to tell them to back off insulting you or you can get sarcastic on their behinds.

Don't pick on one person. (Unless they really deserve it.) Being picked on by constant sarcasm has driven certain people to suicide. I can't name names until the stupid court decides that I'm not guilty of manslaughter unfortunately. Anyway, don't pick on people. 

Don't tangle with someone you know is more sarcastic than you. It gets messy. Real messy.

Anyway, if you follow the rules and you actually have talent, you'll be sarcastic in no time...

Peace out bubs.

Andrew out.

The last day of 17ness...

It's the 5th people. It's the 5th of November. Tomorrow, I turn 18 and shall assume my rightful position as ruler of the world. (It's a very secret job)

Anyway, I don't think being 18 will change all that much about my life. I can already drive. I already drink. I already (don't) smoke. So, what interesting things happen when you turn 18? I can go to clubs? I don't do dance music... I can go to pubs? I already get served at the Union. So, what changes? If I'm honest, nothing. Nothing will change. I will still be a loser. The only difference is I can buy alcohol. But essentially, I'll still be the same pathetic loser you all come to read about. So, don't you go worrying about me. I'll be fine.

Anyway, I feel a rant coming along. I want to rant about some of the stuff I have seen happening at the Uni...

1. In lectures, please do not spend the whole time chatting about "some burd yay did las' nicht." Especially when I'm in the row in front of you. Thank you.
2. On buses. Please do not roll your joint in plain sight of me. It's especially stupid when you are sitting in plain sight of a security camera as well you complete tool.
3. When you're going up the main stairs. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT stop in the middle of the stairs to chat/gawk at teh boobies/wank/have a small party. Seriously, I have a lecture hall to get to. And I don't need an excuse to be late. Cause I'll take it. Every single time.
4. Please do not get drunk. Ok, I'll rephrase that. Please do not get drunk and spend half the night shouting outside my window. Seriously, GTFO. Cause my body clock is shot as it is.
5. In lectures, please do not kick my chair. Cause every time you do, I feel like turning round, leaping over the tables and kicking your ar** right out of the lecture theatre. Or failing that, killing you. That's how strongly I feel about that.
6. In lectures, I have a register for my Chemistry lectures. This effectively forces me to go to lectures. I feel that if someone doesn't want to go to the lectures, then fine. They can fail the course. That's their problem. Don't scare us into going to lectures. We should go because we want good grades. And occasionally miss a lecture for a hangover.

Anyway, I have a test in about 8 hours. So I should probably be sleeping/revising/masturbating.

Peace out bubs.
Andrew out.

And so it begins...

Happy November everyone! This is my favourite month of the year. This is not only because it's my birthday on the 6th... There are other reasons...

Thanksgiving. That traditional holiday where we all gather as families and eat turkey and Pecan pie. And cranberry sauce. Lots of cranberry sauce. What? It's an American holiday? Oh well...

I like fireworks, therefore, I like Bonfire night. Though nowadays, if someone tried to blow up parliament, we wouldn't be celebrating every year. So, on the 5th of November, I hope you all remember that you are celebrating not only a terrorist. But a failure of a terrorist. Think about that next time you light a firework.

My birthday. The 6th of November. This I like for obvious reasons. I like the fact that I get presents. This is made all the sweeter because of the timing of the rest of my families birthdays. They all have midsummer birthdays. While I am late autumn. This means that I get Birthday and Christmas in one lump. They get presents spread out throughout the year, making the summer holidays even better for them. Not that I'm bitter or anything... *shifty eyes*

This year, my birthday has an even greater meaning. I am of course talking about the elections in America. (God bless America people...) Anyway, as I'll be 18 on the day of election, I can vote. Yay! However, as I am not an American citizen, things get tricky... I'll need a stick on moustache, some mexican clothes and an English-Spanish dictionary to pull this one off guys.

November 14th. Remembrance day. The day when we remember those who gave their lives so that I might be able to live as a free man. I'll be wearing my poppy when the day comes even though I am going paint balling on that day. I hope you all will wear a poppy too.

November 30th. St Andrews day. It's "Scotland day!" I know that everyone pretty much feels that our patron saint should be Rabbie Burns but honest, it is St Andrew. So, I think we should do something Scottish on that day. I'll stick something up at some point about what I intend on doing for "Scotland day" but if you have any suggestions like colours that could be worn, badges or activities, feel free to let me know.

And finally, the fact that it is Autumn. I love autumn. Trees go nice browns and reds. Leaves are nice and crunchy on the ground and it's conker season. Summers too warm. Winters too cold. Springs too wet and boring. That leaves autumn. The greatest season of all. I'm sure you all won't agree.

Peace out bubs.
Andrew out.