Hidden post #2

This is a post I've had under wraps for a while though. I've considered it "Hidden post #2" for a long time. I finally feel like I can post it. So here goes. This was written just after I got back from Europe this summer.


Ok, seriously, get out. Every single time something in my life goes right, something goes and messes it up again. Do I not deserve a little bit of luck? Do I not deserve to be happy? Do I deserve pain, misery and messed up memories and dreams all of my life? Cause at the moment, that's all I'm getting. Pain. Misery. Messed up dreams.

I'm fed up of this all. I finally begin to fit in at school, then I leave. I finally start to gain my confidence, and people tear it from me. I finally begin to dream again and now everything that messes up every waking minute of my life messes up my sleeping as well. I haven't slept properly since Saturday. I wake up in the middle of the night, staring at the ceiling, thinking "What did I do?" As far as I can tell, I haven't done anything. I haven't done anything that deserves such constant and determined punishment from the world. All I want is to be happy. I want to be happy and to enjoy being me. I want to not be used mercilessly by people who shouldn't use me. I want to be in a stable relationship that won't involve me getting hurt, cheated on (again) or dead inside. It's taken a lot to get me "feeling" again. And now that I can. I don't like it.

Bring back the nothingness, the oblivion of feeling no pain, guilt, heartbreak or love. At least with that I could sleep for a whole night without waking up either in tears or with a feeling of dread. Every time, I go in too far, I get too close, and no one will ever realise it. I didn't even realise it until recently. I can't help myself. And every time it ends in me getting more and more hurt.

Well, this is present me again. I didn't post this at the time because I didn't think people would read it. I was cleaning up old posts, I found it and I realised that this is MY blog. Posting these things makes me feel better. It's like getting closure on a topic. If you must know, I haven't been sleeping well for a long time and I'm hoping this post will start my recovery again.


Peace out bubs.
Andrew out.